1. Paul O’Connell is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

2. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Paul O’Connell allows to live.

3. When Paul O’Connell drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny.

4. When Paul O’Connell was born, the nurse said, “Holy Cow! That’s Paul O’Connell!” Then she had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

5. When Paul O’Connell goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

6. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Paul O’Connell could use to kill you, including the room itself.

7. The popular videogame “Doom” is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two euro from Paul O’Connell and forgot to pay him
back.

8. Paul O’Connell can count backwards from infinity.

9. Crop circles are Paul’s way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f**k down.

10. When Paul O’Connell jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Paul instead.

11. Paul O’Connell can divide by zero.

12. In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Paul O’Connell, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

13. Paul O’Connell is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose’s sh*t.

14. Paul O’Connell has two speeds: walk and kill.

15. Paul O’Connell is the reason why Wally is hiding.

16. Paul O’Connell can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

17. You are what you eat. That is why Paul O’Connell diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

18. Paul O’Connell once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his “Filet of Child” sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

19. Paul O’Connell played Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

20. On his birthday, Paul O’Connell randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

21. When Paul O’Connell does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

22. Whenever Paul O’Connell puts out a cigarette, he throws it in slow motion into a long line of gasoline and calmly walks away as an
inferno erupts behind him.

23. Paul O’Connell coined the phrase, “I could eat a Horse” after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

24. Paul O’Connell haunts Freddy Krueger’s nightmares.

25. The eternal conundrum “what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object” was finally solved when Paul O’Connell
punched himself in the face